Job Application

They say this is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... And they hired him because he was so honest…

NAME: N.N.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

Thought of The Day 55

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Useful Work Tips

Here are some useful phrases you can use when in the workplace:

If you don”t know what it is, call it an “issue”…

If you don”t know how it works, call it a “process”…

If you don”t know whether its worth doing, call it an “option”…

If you don”t know how it could possibly be done call it a “challenge” or an “exciting opportunity”…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about “customers”…

If you don”t know how to do something, “empower” someone else to do it for you…

If you can”t take decisions, “create space” for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a “workshop” to “network” and “ground the issue”, followed by an “awayday” to “position the elephant in the room” and achieve “buy-in”…

Never criticize or boast, call it “information sharing”…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a “positive learning experience”…

Never argue, have an “adult conversation”…